Eavesdropper reveals sleeze plan.

Eavesdropper follows John K pool side.

[Three hours in the busy life of our PM.]

10am Thursday morning:

“Hey John, have you got a minute”, shouted Bronagh.

It was Thursday the 30th of January 2014 and as usual John had decided that he wouldn’t go to work today and was relaxing pool side.

“What is it dear”, he shouted back.

“It’s the phone dear, there is a chap on the phone called Hone something or other, he wants to know if you are coming to work today, what should I tell him”, she answered.

“Tell him it’s nothing to do with him, what I do, I’m the bloody Prime Minister and I’ll do what I like”, screamed the PM in a minor fit of rage. This was always dangerous at this early hour for his blood pressure. So he thought about popping another pill to help calm his nerves.

“I told him that John dear, but I left out the swear word, I thought that was rather rude, he said that he will pass your suggestion on the Speaker” who will report your absence from Parliament since you always seem to take leave every Thursday, he then said “have a good relaxing day”, which was rather nice of him, he sounds like a very nice chap this Hone”, said Bronagh wondering if this Hone chap is the same one that dear John was always complaining about.

11am same Thursday:

John is sitting at his poolside table jotting down next weeks intended press statements, it was really hard work, using a pen, very hard on ones fingers, but now that his PR team is in place and ready to do his bidding it’s a little easier than usual.

1. Bring up the Flag issue, contact Audrey Young [Herald] and Mike Hoskins [TV One] they will push my line. Send Audrey Flowers…and Mike a bottle of Gin.

2. Target Metiria Turei and her dress habits. Get Ann Tolley to comment on Turei’s crazy jackets, Tolley is naturally weak kneed so have her backed up by Crusher Collins, her twitter fingers and mouth are unstoppable Cameron Slater [Whale Oil] can write her script after all they are more than friendly. Let Mike Hoskins know…as well as my man Paul Henry at TV3. Send Ann a get well card, Crusher Collins a mouth guard and Paul Henry a cheque.

3. Check on Russel Normans Australian back ground and see if there are any convict connections. Good task for Ian Fletcher and Luigi Wewege using our Australian and US friends. Send Ian a ticket to the next Lords concert and Luigi a new passport.

He takes a short break, sips his G and T and using his cell rings the Speaker:

“Hi there David, how’s it going”, says John

“Who is speaking”, asks David in his typical farming tone.

“It’s me John Key the Prime Minister”, says the PM in rather a gruffly voice.

“Oh, I’m sorry boss Hogg, it’s Thursday and I wasn’t expecting to hear from you, you are normally on your way to Hawaii…what can I do for you? David the mouse asks.

“Did you leak that info about Hone what’s-his-name taking so many days off? Asked John, better known to the Speaker as Boss-Hogg.

“Yes I did but it back fired somewhat awful”, said David meekly.

“What the hell could have gone wrong”, shouted John as he took yet another pill, not a good idea while drinking G and T.

“Well I don’t exactly know how to put this, but you were the problem”, whispered David, fearing for his short career as speaker may be coming to an abrupt end. “You see boss, Hone-you-know-who took 68 days leave, but you took 180 over the same period”…

“Who the hell released that info…”, screamed the PM.

“You know who”, said David, seeing a way to pass the blame.

“He didn’t”, Said PM

“He did’, said Speaker

“And to think I made him a Minister again…I knew I shouldn’t have trusted that mop-topped Peter Dunne”, said the PM as he pushed the off button on his cell phone, the hardest work he’d done this Thursday morning.

Well that was John Key’s busy morning for which we pay thousands of tax payers dollars eavesdropper will continue to keep an eye on our so-called leaders.

Our eavesdropper within the GCSB is away getting trained up by the FBI in covert activities during elections. As soon as he gets back our insider reports will recommence and whatever you do don't tell the GCSB...

 

UCOL Nationals brighter future [for some]

Universal College of Learning...yeah right.

Paul McElroy is the UCOL CEO…and like all CEO’s he gets paid heaps. He is a charming fellow; he even comes to work without a tie, to prove how close he is to his staff…In fact Mr. Paul McElroy just utterly adores the staff.So long as they do what he says rather than what he does.

The only problem is he won’t reward them for what they do. He thinks that they should be proud that he even allows them to be employed by his organisation and should show more gratitude by working for what ever he and his boss Steven Joyce decides to pay them. Yes his boss is Steven Joyce of Sky City Casino deal fame …the man who has paid out more in cooperate benefits than any other minister in our history…and he was put in charge of New Zealand’s Tertiary Education to get the wages down, income from students up.

Our CEO at UCOL saw the light and decided sometime back to lower his massive salary of around or nearing three hundred and eighty thousand dollars, at that time he was the highest paid Polytechnic CEO in the country…his effort would help balance the books and would help the Government have more money available to put into private schools and Charter Schools, and they may make him a special expert educator [which he isn't] and pay a sixty thousand dollar bonus for visiting other less well performing polytechnics. .

But something went wrong, when he cut his hours by 50% and decided to work half-time, one would assume that his salary would drop by 50%...but it didn’t, in fact it’s now stands at over two hundred and fifty thousand dollars which must make him really struggle to pay the power-bill and fill the car with petrol. It is also a clear indicator that mathematics is not a specialty subject at UCOL, well amongst the management team.

The public outside understood but the CEO didn't.

Well on Thursday [30^th January 2014] morning here in Palmerston North, Whanganui, and Masterton around two hundred and twenty staff held a protest outside of each campus controlled by UCOL.

At this time of the year it has been normal for UCOL to bus in representatives from both Whanganui and Masterton for a big happy welcome by Mr. McElroy. But that was cancelled this year, why because UCOL's tactical team decided that they wanted a more personal touch…if you believe that then you believe in the tooth fairy…in fact the event was planned and was only cancelled by email at the weekend…why because those planning the protest informed UCOL of what they intend to do. That was really very polite of them and they stuck to the agreement that those protesting would not upset those who wished to attend the ‘munch up’ inside.

While the CEO eats cake others protest.

So while the CEO and his close supporters ate their sausage rolls, cakes and other goodies paid for by student fees, wage freezes, etc a large group of staff stood outside and waved their hand made banners and protested. It was a bit like France before the revolution, remember the queen who said 'Let them eat cake' she just a short time later parted company with her head.

Those driving passed hooted their car horns and waved their wholehearted support for those brave enough to make a stand for proper wage increases and fair treatment…

It was very moving and a tribute to those protesting that they left those inside to eat up large and pretend that all is well, while the actually reality is that some staff are struggling to make ends meet.  

Unlike the CEO they can’t stay home and weed the garden while increasing their salaries…and I’ve no doubt that the cleaners employed or contracted to UCOL don’t receive a livable wage…I for one would welcome with open arms a CEO that has a visible moral streak and a willingness to pay a living wage. It is the outright failure of organisations like UCOL, Massey and the City Council that gives our city a bad name.

The National Party believe that by paying those at very top stupidly high salaries you get better students is simply wrong and promotes little more than greed…but hey greed is a quality these days not one of the seven deadly sins.

Emotional intelligence Quiz...yeah right.

Is the word mightier than the sword or even the brain? Here is firstly an explanation of the strange word behaviour by an odd columnist and then a short quiz.

Liam Hehir, a Key fan.

A very new property lawyer in Palmerston North by the name of Liam Hehir and who happens to be a weekly columnist for the local Fairfax owned paper the Manawatu Standard.

So far his [Hehir] claim to fame is that he created a new so-called public relations word image of our Prime Minister John Key.

No he never referred to or reinvented Key as a financial whiz kid, nor a world class financial manipulator who took over the National Party without any community or National Party membership background nor by winning favour though hard work amongst the membership. Then standing for election as leader, [the national party rank and file have no say in deciding who should be leader] the present PM, did none of those standard things that normally serve as the apprenticeship period or grass-roots political training period for future leaders. Instead he used a new and more effective tool that Hehir calls ‘Emotional intelligence’.

Something that poor old farmer Jim Bolger lacked and one assumes that Bill English, Jenny Shipley, Don Brash all lacked…since unlike Bolger [on the back of Winston Peters who ratted on his supporters] they never won an election.

The word emotional according to the dictionary means: 1. [of people] having feelings which are strong or easily moved: [Women are said to be more emotional than men]. Opposite: unemotional. 2. [Of words, literature, music etc.] Showing strong feelings, able to cause strong feeling: and 3. Emotive: He / she has; emotional difficulties.

The word intelligence means: 1. ability to learn and understand. 2. Information gathered on an enemy country, or a group of people, as practiced by the Central intelligence agency etc.

Note: It is said that humans are more intelligent than animals and that a child with a clever quick mind is intelligent but he can hardly be intellectual.

So does Liam Hehir think that our PM is gifted with the ability to learn and understand? And that he learns by being moved by strong feelings and that he is more emotional than most men. Linking the two words emotional and intelligence leaves a lot of scope in attempting to understand just what was in the mind of the author.

Let’s put the budding columnist’s theory through a short test by taking a closer look at Key’s behaviour:

Emotional: Was Key being emotionally intelligent when he denied knowing Kim Dotcom or when he couldn’t remember ringing and having dinner with his old school mate Ian Fletcher whom he appointed against advice to be head of the GCSB? Yes or no.

Did Key using above average intelligence when he allowed the GCSB, SIS and US spy agencies to break NZ laws in the covert listening and illegal raid on the Dotcom mansion in Keys own electorate and then denied having any knowledge of it before hand? Yes or no.

Did Key use super emotional intelligence when he invited John Banks for a cup of tea in a public place, then order the police to act as if they had that cup of tea in a private place…is that the emotional intelligence Liam Hehir is using as his guide? Yes or no.

Did Key’s willingness to hand over intelligence information to a foreign power, send our troops on illegal actions under command of foreign commanders that directly caused the deaths of our troops, was being ‘emotionally intelligent’ or did it mean that he lacked the ability to read the intelligence reports that he receives weekly? Yes or no.

And every time he answers a question with: “I can remember, or I don’t know which side I was on in 1981, or his too common reply of, “Oh I’m comfortable about that”, that this is emotional intelligence in action? Yes or no.

There is a word that covers the behaviours of John Key and other politicians I might add. That word is ‘cunning’…is using cunning using emotional intelligence or is simply being sly and duplicitous and a good manager of public relations crap. You decide.  

New Zealands largest same sex marriage deal.

PM does same sex marriage deal.

We know the PM is in favour of same sex marriage because of what he proclaimed in Nov 2012.

 

Marriage between cuddly friends is back on the table. John K is offering his hand in marriage in what would be the nation’s largest same sex marriage arrangement since the passing of the Act.

After a public spat almost three years ago when engaged couple, John and Winston decided to part company and seek new and more meaningful relationships outside of their tight social circles. John who had all the money and trust funds tucked away in various tax havens’ as opposed to Winston who had many elderly friends and a few anti Maori connections. 

Their parting language was bitter and acrimonious to put it mildly, John called Winston promiscuous and unprincipled because of his history of changing partners mid-stream and particularly his relationships with Jenny Shipley and one Helen Clark who were of the opposite gender. Winston denied the claims and swears that he never had relationships with either party.

Now John has decided that his old best buddy should be given another chance. The problem is that Winston won’t give a positive or negative answer until after a specific date [which is still unknown] so this has led to John covering his tracks so he has also proposed possible marriage to a wide choice of close male friends.

Firstly to Colin a very conservative man who believes that same sex marriage leads to the sky falling in. So there could be some difficulties there.

Then there is Peter, a onetime traitor who leaked public state secrets, but does have a neat hair do. Some readjustment to the meaning of honesty would be needed.

John is also attracted to members of the Maori Party but as yet is unsure about just who. There may not be a Maori Party, because the party seems to be over.

Last on his list is another John who has a close association with another John who is awaiting trial for fraud and other sins of omission. If a marriage to that John does take place Johns not sure how that will go down with the public at large. It could end up like the ‘Two Ronnie’s TV comedy show…

But John has made it public that he will not marry, David Cunliffe, Hone Harawira, or Russel Norman [Metiria Turei doesn’t enter the equation because she is female].

David, Hone and Russel are most relieved…  

EAVESDROPPER: AN EARLY ELECTION.

Eavesdroppers’ GCSB insider is back in New Zealand, after his month long holiday protection task with the Prime Minister at his mansion in Hawaii. I had a long and fruitful discussion with him and some of what he told me was most interesting: One of the items he informed me about was a possible early election and I thought it was serious enough to report directly to you so that you could decide on its validity or otherwise:

Here is his report:

Last week I was checking the PM’s home office for bugs, the electronic type, while the PM was having a conversation with the NZ Herald chief political reporter Audrey Young so I listened in…

Audrey Young.

“But Audrey dear, you know you’ll the first to know when we actually decide on a date for an early election, have I ever let you down, you are my favourite reporter”, said John K.

“Cut the smooth talking crap John and just tell me is it true that you intend going to the polls before the Dot Com trial”, muttered dear Audrey Y.

“Look Audrey baby, I just don’t know, it all depends on what, you 'know who' wants, and you don’t argue with him, or he sends a bloody drone and removes the problem.” said Key in rather a child like voice.

“That trial is due in July or August, so it would be before that date”, asked Audrey Y

“That’s right Audrey, your deduction powers are overwhelming if you try hard enough dear”, said Key in his high pitched normal tone.

“Oh, I see you got your wish and that 'left wing' All Black halfback Chris Laidlaw has been chopped from Radio NZ’s Sunday morning show and your secret admirer Wallace Chapman will replace him during this election year, how the hell did you pull that off big daddy”, said dear Audrey Y.

Joan Withers.

“Oh, a dollar here and a dollar there…its not hard when you’ve money to burn, look at what I did for Catherin Isaac, Jenny Shipley, Joan Withers and not forgetting Paula Rebstock, I’m rather good with greedy women don’t you think”, said John K with a hint of pride.

At this point I detected a buzzing sound which indicated that someone was listening in to the PM’s phone. So I hung up and dialed our secret number to trace the intruder and sure enough it was the US arm of the five ears programme. So President Obama would know about his early election plans before his own cabinet…but hey what’s new, but we must hope that no drones are employed because of the well known fact that the US drones never hit the target but instead murder thousands of innocent civilians.

Before going public with this report, I contacted the NZ Herald to confirm that they had published information that a early election was on the cards, their answer was ‘Yes’ and that it came from an insider source via Audrey Young their Chief political reporter.

So it would seem that an early election is on the cards which would indicate that John Key is very worried that [1] He could lose the election if he goes full term or [2] The Kim Dotcom trial could see him being charged for telling untruths, but in his favour he has now got almost total control over the mass media now that, Wallace Chapman, Mike Hoskins, Paul Henry and Jim Mora are all in his pocket…and the covert attempt to remove Campbell Live from TV 3 via Steven Joyce is well underway. TV One is now fully dominated by National Party hacks and can be completely ignored....     

Bankers are they Ponzi Artists or just crooks.

I’ve been searching for sometime to find a simple explanation of the worlds banking system that I could use to demonstrate that the system [with all its public relations variations removed].

One that could show clearly that the banking system is in reality little more than a huge Ponzi scheme, of the type that got Madoff three life sentences, which in itself shows how stupid some people and systems can be. What do the prison authorities in the US do? When Madoff dies do they reincarnate him so that he can serve his second life sentence?

Any way I’ve located a video that does the job. It runs for about nine minutes, yet is concise and easy to follow, and it lays it out in easy understandable steps and thank God it does not introduce you to one economist.

Watch this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9IH-XKQpOI and see just how you and I are being ripped off, I know it’s an American video, and there are a few differences in their system to ours, but basically the only difference is that the Americans have sold off their reserve bank. And we must never forget that our Prime Ministers wants’ to take us down the same track. Here in New Zealand we, that is the government on our behalf, pretends to control the banking system, but the reality is that we don’t and as we are borrowing millions each day from overseas bankers, we just pretend to…hence the urgent need for the government to sell off state assets, which in fact makes matters and our dependency on bankers even worse.

 

NZ's legal Ponzi King. Roger Douglas.

Since Rogernomics hijacked the country back in the eighties and then Ruthanasia, [a special breed of beneficiary bashing] designed by the mother of all budget makers Ruth Richardson was forced on us as a follow up to nutty Sir Roger Douglas, who was knighted by the Nats for his services to the banking system, and he was a Labour Party Minister of Finance who like a rat left the sinking ship and started the ultra right wing racist political corruption called among other things, the Act Party.

The present government was and still is a great fan of Rogernomics and they just love and adore the wealthy separatist American style of life, golfing with Obama for John Key is like dining with God, and Key holds Wall Street to be the ultimate heaven on earth, hence his desire to return to the land of his choice Hawaii and the USA.

The US Bankers and private banks would welcome his return but not until he delivers on his secret promise of a TPP agreement that meets US needs. Oh to be like Key a child of envy. 

Emperor Augustus Reincarnated.

Inside the National Party Elite Headquarters:

Chapter One:

Let the battle begin;

Is there a new Emperor Augustus in the making? Sometimes dreams or nightmares do come true. 

The planning actually started after winning the 2011 election, they, a few of the victors and their backers, gathered in a secret back room at Aucklands Sky City Booze and gambling barn and laid out their strategy for winning the 2014 election.

It wouldn’t be easy because winning three elections has not been their historic habit. But never had they had such a popular [and wealthy] leader, whom the media just drool over, so maybe they could just pull it off in 2014.

When the leader who had just flown in from yet another holiday in Hawaii: suggested in 2011 that in 2014 they would be an irresistible force and have a glorious victory, all the inner sanctum members stood and cheered with great gusto. He, the leader, knew they would after all their futures depended on him being successful, his money had brought them, and his popular support had been their stepping stone into cabinet. Each one owed him heaps, and he would make them pay, with interest for his backing.

The strategy was agreed on, the funding allocated, and the troops prepared. Such political and financial scheming had never been so meticulously constructed before in the annals of the party history. Steven Joyce the so-call self appointed party strategist, who had taken over from wee Murray McCully, stood and started on his normal extended boring address. The leader, who had heard it all before, dosed off and dreamed of other things…

He dreamed that under his divine and gifted leadership, he and his party would rule for a hundred years or more, maybe even a thousand, he would be a modern day Augustus and Judith Collins could be his Livia and poison any who stood in his way as he created a family dynasty based on money, financial control and manipulation, and total subjugation of the masses.

A modern day Roman style Empire here in the South Pacific, and all created by a ‘state house’, son of a solo mum, who had his meager education paid for by the state. Oh he though my place in history is secure…he dreamed of scones with the Queen and golf with the President of the US…he dreamed of being loved by the elite, the wealthy, the rich and famous…it was such a lovely dream…as he sat on his throne counting his money…like King Midas…like God…maybe they would make him a God…not bad for a young Jewish guy…

“Wake up”, said his deputy, “The boss of Sky City wants to have a chat with you in his office, remember you agreed to do so because of Sky City’s massive donation to our election campaign”, his deputy had a sort of whining tone, a spooky voice really.

“Thanks Bill”, said the leader, I was having a nice wee dream, while the mouth [Steven Joyce] was making his mind-numbing speech”.

Now all this took place back in November / December 2011 and it’s all true because John Banks said so, and John Banks would never lie…now would he.  

Chapter two:

It is now January 2014 and the leader has once again flown back from his mansion in Hawaii and is reviewing his strategy for this election year. Two years have sped by since their narrow victory in 2011. Things had not gone exactly as planned.

They are not meeting at Sky City, not because he is not popular with its owners, they think highly of him and his gift to them, but because public opinion has altered and the less he is seen with them the quicker the rotten and corrupt smell of their lop-sided deal might abate.

Hit Kid Whale Oil Slater.

Instead they are meeting at a backstreet restaurant selected by his back room buddy and all round fibber, the ever resourceful Luigi Wewege and corporate funds collector Steven Joyce plus his busty chief enforcer Judith Collins better known to him as Livia, and deep in the back ground, chained to the wall while chewing on a bit of green leather is Cameron Slater better known as [drippy] Whale Oil…the master of all things sleazy, which would suggest that they’ll be using a lot of sleaze during this year 2014.

The leader is concerned about the coming year, firstly his true and trusty bribed friends Peter Dunne who has been done over by revealing state secrets to one Andrea Vance  and his Auckland ex-mayoral best buddy and cup of tea pal John Banks, is awaiting trial for fraud, and that’s not nice.

The leader could find him-self in court for telling fibs in March or April of 2014, but he hopes that his chat with Obama in Hawaii will fix that little problem by Obama ordering a drone strike on the fat nasty German sometime in the near future but especially before his trial begins in March or April 2014.

Still in his favour, he’s now got Paul Henry [A failed talkback host and Australian media front man flop] on the payroll of Mediaworks, thanks to Steven Joyce. Also his PR buddy Mike Hoskins will play a vital role in spreading the news according to Augustus and Livia’s perspectives…Oh its great to have so many ‘Yes’ men in the media. But will it be enough to turn the growing tide; this uncontrollable social media is proving to be a real pain in the backside. 

And those left wing bloggers keep telling people to vote…if everyone votes we are dog tucker, thinks the leader…you see there are heaps more poor than there are rich and they, the poor grow larger in number by the day…where as the rich bugger off overseas to places like Hawaii and other tax havens.

The public showed its true feelings about the Asset sales…even his own supporters have spoken out against it…and it hasn’t brought in anything like the billions needed for another round of tax cuts for his mates.

So there was no elation at this meeting of the elite ruling team, just a sort of urgency with a touch of gloom, so far ten or eleven of their parliamentary team have handed in their notices and three of four others have already departed for more dependable futures…maybe the rats are fleeing the sinking ship…maybe the leader himself will sneak out the back door, after all that was manner by which he entered the wonderful world of power politics.

When they departed the unknown and poorly lit restaurant, sadly no one remembered to unchain Cameron Slater [Whale Oil] and it wasn’t until the next day that the cleaners noticed him crying in the corning and muttering that no body loved him…the cleaners [even on $13.50 per hour] had pity on him and gave him a class of water…and released him from his chains and he swore that from now on his vote would go to The Greens or the Mana Movement, or Labour or even to New Zealand First, or the Conservatives’ even though they are just a bunch of bible bashers, he’d give his vote to anyone so long as it wasn’t the National Party…and he was going to give them back their blood money…

But the truth is, that the leaders, or Augustus fate, is in your hands, you can believe the crap that will be fed to you over the next few months…or you can believe your own eyes, you’ve seen Hekia Parata in action closing schools, you’ve seen Simon Bridges on TV 3 telling you how wonderful the mining companies are, you’ve watched Tim Groser give away our country by agreeing to anything the US tells him, you’ve observed Murray McCully kiss the hand of dictators, and you’ve watched Paula Bennett disclose private client information relating to confidential matters to the media out of spite. Oh I could go on.

Nationals 2014 plan is: To get voters not to vote…they all agreed that its their only hope. That is their strategy…so what are you going to do, that is the question.

Eavesdropper on Hawaii Golf Course

Wheelers Corner Eavesdropper SIS / GCSB inside agent once again accompanied John Key on yet another holiday trip to Hawaii [his sixth or seventh in the last three years]. Only this time our man was asked to act above and beyond his normal duties of protecting the PM from any terrorist assassination attempt. He was forced to protect the PM from himself. A task he has now grown used to. This is his latest report:

The PM invited Obama to a round of golf, and I was to act as his caddy. According to the PM this was to be a photo opportunity of a life-time, it was in his words even more important than having a scone with the Queen.

The Presidents security crew already knew this was going to happen because they had been listening in to the PM’s cell phone traffic via our own GCSB.

On the golf course a strange thing happened, that won’t appear in any of the main stream media especially Fox News Media, APN or Fairfax etc.

‘I was walking just ahead of the PM, to protect him from terrorists, and as we moved toward President Obama and his half dozen security guards, Obama suddenly advanced toward me and said, “Good to meet you again, you are looking fit, are you enjoying your vacation here in my beautiful Hawaii”.

I was dumb founded, but managed to utter, “I’m not the PM Mr. President, and he is the chap behind me, the one in the baggy shorts”.

“Oh really”, said Obama, “You look very much like the chap I met in South Africa at the service for Nelson Mandela, are you sure we haven’t met”.

I never got a chance to answer the President because the PM came running toward the President with such gusto that the half dozen security men all dropped to their knees and drew their automatic weapons.

The President kept his cool and stepped forward to greet the little chap wearing the baggy shorts that no self respecting terrorist would be seen dead wearing.

“Nice to see you again Michael said the President”…

Now that stopped the PM dead in his tracks, for he was about to give the President a massive hug, one of the security guys, a six foot six black American stepped forward and frisked the PM, smiling to himself when he saw the whiteness of the PM’s knees.

“I’m not Michael”…stuttered the PM an octave or two higher than normal.

“I’m sorry Bill”, said the President, “but I meet so many people in my travels around the world, and I thought I met you in South Africa at wonderful President Nelson Mandela funeral Service”, but I must admit I’ve never met anyone wearing shorts like yours, so what’s your name”, he said smiling.

The PM was dumb struck, he had completely forgotten who he was…even where he was…he just stood there with his mouth open, arms at his side and for a moment I thought he might pee his pants. So I took over to protect my leader and said, “Let me introduce the New Zealand Prime Minister… John Key Mr. President”.

“Thank you, I knew his name had four letters, I just couldn’t remember which four, thank you for clearing up that small mystery”, he then turned to the PM and said “I remember now, you’re the wee chap that lost his name tag at the funeral in that massive stadium in South Africa”, he said as he patted the PM on his head, you see the PM was knelling down as would a loyal servant to HRH the Queen of England, I think he was imagining that he was back in Buckingham Palace having lunch with…she who rules,

“For heavens sake stand up John or whatever your name is, I’m sure you would not have been this humble when you protested against the South African Grid-iron tour back in 1981, Kiwi’s were a brave lot back then, I’m sure you must have been among those brave chaps”, said the President as he helped Key to his feet.

The PM was lost for words for all of about ten seconds then suddenly he puffed out his chest, pulled up his shorts and said, “Yes I remember now, how I battled the Red-Squad in Hamilton, Oh those were the days, a hero on every Street corner standing up against apartheid, and I was leading the charge you know”.

There was just no stopping him, his love of Mandela, all black people, even Martin Luther-King. He was finally brought to a halt when the President interrupted his rant saying:

“For Gods sake shut up and tell me what your handicap is”.

“Handicap, I don’t have any handicap; I’m perfect in every way, well so I’m told by all my cabinet and back benchers”, he said proudly.

“You mean your golf handicap is God damn zero”, said the President as he turned to the senior FBI agent and whispered, “You never told me that he had a zero handicap, you know I never play against anyone I can’t beat”.

Any way at last the game got under way and I carried out my caddy duties as best I could, the President went round the course in one hundred and one strokes, the PM took two hundred and eleven, but the President knew the chap in the shorts lost on purpose and didn’t accept his offer of a cup of tea at the Key mansion.

You see the President remembered the secret report from the five eyes spy team that told him that having a cup of tea with the NZ PM was dangerous to ones political health.

PS; The PM hopes to have completed his application for US Citizenship before departing for NZ, he wants approval before mid 2014, he requested that I keep that bit of news secret and naturally I agreed…yeah right.

Signed: Agent X [Name with held for security and health reasons]

The Editor of the Manawatu Standard wrote this on Saturday the 4^th of January 2014:

‘Prime Minister John Key got to play a round of golf with US President Barack Obama in Hawaii yesterday. Whatever your political outlook is, that’s a pretty cool story for any Kiwi to tell their grandkids’.

No wonder NZ is being overrun by spin experts rather that journalists with integrity when they produce such tripe…I’d prefer to tell my grandkids about real hero’s rather than jacked up photo opportunities, but still there is no accounting for bad taste I suppose.