A brilliant bit of satire.

This short bit of absolutely brilliant satire is simply too good not to share: It was writern by Steve Braunias who has just stopped writing for the Manawatu Standard...and is now employed by the NZ Herald.

“I texted Cameron Slater and he agreed with me” - The secret diary of ... John Key

By Steve Braunias

5:00 AM Saturday Nov 29, 2014           

'Yesterday I misunderstood the question when I was asked

‘What day it was' 

MONDAY

It's not Monday. I've looked into it, and fully examined the situation, and I think the majority of New Zealanders will agree with me that today's not Monday.

Yes, it's the start of the week. Yes, it's the day after Sunday. But I think what we should be focusing on is that Phil Goff broke an embargo yesterday by leaking the news that today might be Monday.

He was wrong to do that and my understanding is that he should be jailed for a very long time, as should Labour leader Andrew Little. I don't like the way he's talking to me. No one talks to me like that. I'm the Prime Minister, 24/7, including Mondays, which today isn't.

I texted Cameron Slater to check and he agreed with me.

TUESDAY

Yesterday I misunderstood the question when I was asked what day it was.

I should have said Monday but as usual the media were up to their old tricks, and twisted my words. What I'd said to them was, "At the end of the day it's not Monday." This is correct, because at the stroke of midnight or just after, it’s Tuesday.

In any event I couldn't hear myself think what with the racket going on in an office down the corridor. It sounded like a mentally unstable person had got hold of a gun.

In fact it was Judith Collins using her Magnum .44 for target practice, so no harm done. I passed on a note to ask her to please stop shooting and a note came back from her saying that I wouldn't hear any more gunfire. And I haven't heard so much as a peep. She's good like that. Honourable!

Meanwhile, more ridiculous questions in the House today: and more shouting from Andrew Little. This can't go on. He needs taking down a peg or two. I wish I knew someone who could get some dirt on him, but unfortunately I don't have any contact with Cameron Slater.

WEDNESDAY

Andrew Little, shouts at me, "Cut the crap!"

Well, he'll never get anywhere with coarse language like that, and I think it's revealing that he didn't actually propose what kind of cutting instrument would do the trick, typical Labour. They forever play fast and loose with the finer details, and the public see right through them.

Little will never know what it's like to be Prime Minister. I patiently explained to him that I receive thousands of texts every day and can't possibly be expected to remember if some of them are from Cameron Slater. Sometimes, he texts and sometimes I reply but I'm fundamentally not in contact with him because sometimes he doesn't text. And I only ever reply when it's important.

THURSDAY

Cameron texts: "Yo howzit dawg."

I reply, "All good. Sup?"

He texts, "Plot to kill meHeard a floorboard creakFollowed to the dairyBought a packet of wine gums."

I reply, "Save me the red ones!"

He texts: "Too late. Soz! Oh no spilled coffee on my shirt. Better put it in the wash."

I reply, "Hopefully it will all come out in time."

FRIDAY

What a week! It didn't help that I slept badly. I kept waking up to find I was lying in a painful, twisted heap.

The pain was so bad last night that I got up and went to the office.

It was about 3am and the lights were out.

I heard footsteps in the corridor, and then a strange sort of whispering noise, and a window smashed right behind me.

I switched on the lights and saw Judith Collins crouching on the ground, wearing a balaclava and holding her Magnum.

I said, "I thought I told you no more shooting!"

She said, "And I told you that I'd be quiet."

She unscrewed the silencer. There was a strange glint in her eye.

Well I hope like me you feel that this was a great way to review PM John Key's week from hell, you may have noted in the news that he now claims to get over a thousand texts per day...yes per day...so if you will excuse me using a Andrew Little quote..."if you believe that crap...you must live on Plant Key...did you know it would take up to six or seven hours just to read a thousand text messages... Key just keeps crapping his way out of his usual falsehoods... I can't work out which one is the brightest Key or Slater? You decide.

Have a good week...lets hope we get some fine weather... 

SIS Forced to Apologise to Phil Goff says leaked report..

PM's Mad dog Jason Ede.

Somebody leaked information from the SIS about the handing over of secret information to gutter blogger Cameron Slater who used that information to bully various political figures prior to the general election: 

It would certainly appear that John Key knew via his office staff member Jason Ede that this illegal information was being passed on to the dirt digger Whale-oil via a FIA misused process…

it would appear that the PM was not wearing his PM’s hat during any of the communications involved. 

This leak could only have come from the SIS or the PM’s office…my view is the PM ordered the leaking via Chris Finlayson…so as to control the down side regarding his shocking behaviour when boss of both the GCSB and the SIS at the time. He will now expect Chis Finlayson to shoulder the fall out…hence his appointment.

This from TVNZ:

In an unprecedented move, the head of New Zealand's top spy agency is expected to tomorrow apologise to former Labour leader Phil Goff.

Inspector General of Intelligence and Security Cheryl Gwyn launched an inquiry in the middle of the election campaign following revelations in Nicky Hager's book Dirty Politics that Whale Oil blogger Cameron Slater was given information from the Prime Minister's office about what to ask for in an Official Information Act request in 2011. The request related to accusations from John Key and National that Mr Goff had lied about a briefing about alleged Israeli spying in Christchurch.

At the time, Mr Goff said he hadn't received a top secret briefing from then spy agency head, Warren Tucker.

The Government attacked Mr Goff's credibility after Dr Tucker insisted he had briefed him.

ONE News understands Ms Gwyn's report will be released tomorrow morning and will heavily criticise Dr Tucker.

Rebecca Kitteridge, Director of the New Zealand Security Intelligence Service, is expected to personally apologise to Mr Goff at Parliament over the agency's handling of the case.

The report is understood to say Dr Tucker "lacked professionalism" in his dealings with Mr Key and his staff over the issue, leading to a "politically partisan affect".

It says his relationship with Mr Goff was "unfair" and "unprofessional" and his engagement with the Prime Minister's office was "not appropriate".

While it is critical of Mr Key's office, the report does not directly criticise him personally.

In the report, it's understood Ms Gwyn says Dr Tucker and his staff gave "incomplete and inaccurate information to the Prime Minister" which was unfair to the then leader of the opposition.

The report also confirms former National Party staffer Jason Ede told Mr Slater to ask for information about Mr Goff's briefing under the Official Information Act.

It's understood Ms Gwyn has used phone records to verify that while Mr Ede was on the phone to Mr Slater about the issue, the blogger lodged the Official Information Act request relating to whether Mr Goff had been briefed.

Mr Key denied during the election campaign that his office had anything to do with the fast tracking of the OIA request.

This from TV 3

The New Zealand Security Intelligence Service (SIS) is being ordered to apologise to Labour MP Phil Goff over the way information meant to embarrass him was made available to Whale Oil blogger Cameron Slater.

It's the first official punishment handed down by the Inspector-General of Security and Intelligence, Cheryl Gwyn, who has been investigating claims made by Nicky Hager in his book, Dirty Politics.

The book, which came out during the election campaign, claimed right-wing Slater had his requests for information deliberately fast-tracked by someone in Prime Minister John Key's office, and that someone was Jason Ede.

That led to the inquiry, to see how far any wrongdoing might have spread.

3 News understands the spy agency and Prime Minister John Key's office were found to be in cahoots with Slater to get the information out.

It was sensitive information that embarrassed Mr Goff, pertaining to the issue of supposed Israeli spies Mr Goff said he didn't know about, though he had been briefed about it.

The report deals with how the information got out, and that is through former SIS director Warren Tucker. Mr Tucker is found have been unfair and politically partisan in the way he dealt with the Prime Minister's office to get it out, according to 3 News' understanding of the report.

The Prime Minister himself is not likely to be implicated in the incident, though Mr Ede was working in his office. Mr Ede was on the phone with Slater at the time he requested the information through the Official Information Act.

The findings will be officially released tomorrow.

3 News

Read more: http://www.3news.co.nz/nznews/sis-to-say-sorry-for-whale-oil-oia-release-2014112418#ixzz3JyhaAJOj

The real question is why was this leaked, and who leaked it, 

Spies Lies and Alibis prevail

It would seem that the Prime Minister may have had a covert desire for powers not normally associated with human beings of the Kiwi type. Powers normally associated with dictatorships and those very close to God. It could be an unhealthy desire to control fully the means by which New Zealanders and others could be spied on both physically and electronically both here in NZ and elsewhere.

If correct, to achieve this goal, he needed to make some key changes, and it would seem that he has done so and the people of New Zealand simply don’t give a damn: Here is what he had to achieve, you decide if this behaviour is that of a honest man…firstly,

He needed to get his ‘man’ in charge of the GCSB and then get yet another person to take over the lead role in the SIS. He made his plans and then commenced to put them in place:

Objective one: Appoint new Head of the GCSB:
Objective two: Appoint a new boss of the SIS
Objective three: Change the law regarding spying on citizens both here and abroad.

Task 1: Remove the present head of the GCSB [Jeremiah Mateparae]

Firstly he [the PM] had to get the present head of the GCSB out…Lieutenant General Jeremiah "Jerry" Mateparae was the incumbent and was only appointed in February 2011 after stepping down as Chief of the NZ Defence Force, his appointment as GCSB boss was very short-lived because he was appointed Governor General on the 8^th of March 2011 only a month after being appointed GCSB boss…this naturally freed up the position so as to allow the PM to appoint his man to the now empty space. Who is Jerry Mateparae? This is a pen picture;

 

Lieutenant General Sir Jeremiah "Jerry" Mateparae, GNZM, QSO (born 14 November 1954) is New Zealand's 20th and Niue's 9th Governor-General, the second Māori person to hold the office (after Sir Paul Reeves).^[1] He was Chief of the New Zealand Defence Force between 2006 and 2011 and the Director of the New Zealand Government Communications Security Bureau from 7 February 2011 until 1 July 2011.^[2] His appointment as Governor-General was announced on 8 March 2011 and he took office on 31 August 2011.^{[3] [4]}

Next was to fill the position of Head of the GCSB:

Now the PM was deeply concerned because the standard practice was to have an interview pane,l especially set up to interview possible candidates. If this normal process had been carried out, the person that Key had in mind for this plum job may not have received the interview panels support…so Key had to ensure that his man could not be rejected.

One of Key's  best mates 'Ian Fletcher' was Key’s choice, it was later confirmed that Key had met with Fletcher on two separate occasions at various locations to discuss Keys job offer, one involved Fletcher flying in from Australia having a breakfast meeting with Key at a well know hotel and flying out the same day. [Records from Fl etcher's old employer [leave applications] prove this fact.]

The following is a breakdown of Fletcher's unusual appointment process, which has been widely accepted as most unusual and manipulative. The PM still states that he can’t remember meeting with Ian Fletcher before his appointment, or that they were good friends at school…  

The appointment of Ian Fletcher

Ian Fletcher was appointed as director of the GCSB in February 2012.^[12] Mr Fletcher is a former diplomat. Fletcher was interviewed by the appointment panel after an earlier short-list of four candidates had been rejected by the Prime Minister on the recommendation of the State Services Commissioner. In March 2013, Mr Key admitted he had known Mr Fletcher since they were in school, but denied they were friends.^[13]

Answering questions in parliament about Mr Fletcher's appointment, Key said he hadn't "seen the guy in a long time"^[14] and hadn't mentioned he had made a phone call to Mr Fletcher when the question first came up in parliament because he had "forgotten" about it.^[15] Former GCSB director Sir Bruce Ferguson said the way Key had intervened in the selection process was "disturbing".^[16] The Labour Party called for an inquiry into the matter.^[17]

Then Labour leader David Shearer wanted an inquiry into the appointment. He said it was "incredibly shonky and it smells", adding the GCSB was the country's most unscrutinised agency. "Having a mate in charge of it raises some serious, serious concerns ... what confidence should the public have in the chief spy," Shearer said.

Task 2:  SIS take-over:
Key had to consider very carefully how he went about completing his next two objectives, Fletcher was in place, and he had managed to talk his way out of a full enquiry into his and Fletcher’s behavior regarding Fletcher’s recruitment…he did this by instigating his own enquiry into the law breaking by the NZ Police and SIS / GCSB before during and after the illegal attack on the mansion of Kim Dotcom [another person Key could not remember]. Key decided this should be headed and run by someone who directly worked for his own PM’s department. Her name…Rebecca Kitteridge, her reward was to be one hell of a jump in salary and civic honour etc.

This from Wikipedia, the free encyclopaedia

Rebecca Kitteridge CVO (born c. 1966) is the current Director of the New Zealand Security Intelligence Service. She was Secretary of the Cabinet from 2008 to November 2013.^{[1] [2]}

[In New Zealand, the Cabinet Secretary is part of the Department of the Prime Minister and Cabinet, which provides assistance, coordination, and advice. The Cabinet Secretary also serves as Clerk of the Executive Council, the formal body on which Cabinet rests. The office of Cabinet Secretary is somewhat anomalous, by New Zealand standards, in that it is partly autonomous from the department to which it belongs. The role does not, however, have the broad powers given to its British equivalent — for example; authority over the civil service is held by the State Services Commissioner, a separate official.]

Prime Minister John Key sent Ms Kitteridge to the Government Communications Security Bureau to investigate its illegal spying on New Zealand residents, and she wrote the report which identified 88 breaches. She went back to her cabinet job until November last year, when Mr Key appointed her director of the Security Intelligence Service. [Some would suggest because she reported exactly what the PM wanted that was the final behaviour required to gain approval for her new job as boss of the SIS. So 

 Ms Rebecca Kitteridge, CVO, was appointed Director of Security in May 2014.

References

1.     "MS Rebecca Kitteridge, Director New Zealand Security Intelligence Service". NZSIS. Retrieved 7 June 2014.

2.     "Rebecca Kitteridge named new SIS director". New Zealand Herald. 12 November 2013. Retrieved 6 April 2014.

3.     "Special award for Rebecca Kitteridge". TV3. 31 March 2014. Retrieved 6 April 2014.

Since winning the 2014 election and having passed a bill earlier that the opposition parties had agreed to cancel and possibly replace with a more democratic system of ensuring the civil-rights of New Zealand citizens, he can now proceed down the path of agreeing to the TPP [trade deal?].  Spying on New Zealand and other citizens and sharing our data with the Five-Eyes Spy Network controlled and run by the US as it spy’s on all economic activities world-wide.
So folks, you’ve now given him an open cheque to do what he wants on behalf of whoever he wants…