John Key’s short trip to Hollywood



Key get practice at multi handshakes. 



John Key’s short trip to Hollywood…what really went on: A special report for Eavesdropper from a Hollywood insider…

Not long after being picked up at the LA airport by a stretch limousine sent by Warner Brothers John Key and his four security agents disembarked at the Warner Brothers Hollywood studios.

“Nice to see you again, did you have a good flight? The tall one asked.

“Absolutely”, said John as he shook hands with all three of those welcoming him at once. Multi handshakes are a Key specialty.

“A glass of wine or a cocktail John asked the short one.

“Wine, thanks said John.

“Right then lets get down to business then” said the chubby one.

“Now John what are you doing to assist us to get that Dotcom Guy deported here to the good-old US of A”, said the short one.

“Who”, John asked.

“The fat German who lives on your block”, snapped the tall one.

“Oh, that Dotcom”, muttered Key as he observed the needle thin and long legged model who placed his wine on the table.

“Yes, God damn it John, we know you know him because we read how you had to apologise to him”, said the chubby one as he patted the model on her rump.

“Ah yes I remember now, I’m not good with names or dates, what do you want to know about our newly approved resident? He said.

“When are you going to hand him over to us so that our boys can interrogate, I mean interview, him and put him out of business”, demanded the tall one looking most irate.

“I thought you wanted to put him on trial” said John sounding a little nervous.  

“Come on John you can’t be that blank, who gives a crap about a trial, we just want him out of business”, said the chubby one as he winked at John.

“Actually, I came here to talk about you moving some of your operations to New Zealand, not about that fellow, what’s his name again, Dotcom”, said John trying to sound assertive.

Mr. Tall, Mr. Short and Mr. Chubby all looked at each other as if waiting for the other one to answer. The model left the room and John’s four security agents followed her.

“Let me give it to you straight John, if you want us to even consider your dream of a new Hollywood in Wellington you are going to have to do something for us Buddy. Think about it, we have thousands, no millions of workers here that are unemployed why should we give work to a bunch of your mates unless there was something in it for us”, said the short one in a tone that had a hint of threat built into it.

“But I’ve already changed our industrial law to give you a bigger profit margin, surly I’ve proved my trustworthiness”, said John feeling all alone now his security team had departed.

“John you must be a slow learner, I would have thought that after your stint on Wall Street that you would have realised that those changes were only one part of a bigger picture, if you will excuse the pun”, said the Chubby one.

“We’ve tried to help you out by sending the FBI to help your keystone cops out and now that, that move seems to have backfired, you need to move things along John baby, we want you to give us Dotcom”, said the tall one looking daggers at John.

“I’m sorry, said John meekly, “but we have laws in New Zealand that prevent me from granting your wish”, wishing he was someplace else.

 “But, for Gods sake you are the Prime Minister! Shouted the short one, “Just change the God damn law”, he added as an after thought.

John buzzed his security men and they re-entered the room.

“Yes Boss”, asked the leader.

“Call a cab; we are going back to the Airport.

“But Sir, the studio tour…said the leader [we are not allowed to name him]

“Oh grap”, said John “I forgot about that”…

“Don’t worry Boss, we’ll get that memory looked at later, so you’ll still do the tour then”, said squad leader.

“Yes”, said John.

Mr. Short, Tall and Chubby stood and with raised eyebrows whispered to each other…”New Zealand does have its problems”…