Sunday, 26 August 2012

Paula Bennett and Republican Todd Akin

Paula Bennett meets Todd Akin. [Satire]

Republican nominee for the Missouri US Senate Seat, Todd Akin, caused a furore last week after he bewilderingly claimed during a TV interview that women had a 'natural' means to prevent the body from becoming pregnant from 'legitimate rape'.

When Paula Bennett read this she thought…my God I’ve got it…”I know how to prevent teenage pregnancies” , so she contacted Todd Akin in the USA and asked him a few questions. What she didn’t know was that the telephone call was being recorded. Our hidden eavesdropper in the Beehive was so shocked that she sent me a transcript.

“Hi Todd, thanks for taking the time to talk with me, I know you are busy with your campaign to get elected for the Republicans in Missouri”,
“That’s Ok, what was your name again”, said Todd just oozing sweetness, “and where is Noo Zealand”, he added.
“Paula Bennett, I’m the Minister of Social Welfare, and New Zealand is in the South Pacific”, she muttered.
“What Church are you a Minister in”, asked Todd.
“Not a Church, I’m a Minister in the Government of NZ”, she said.
“Your Government has Ministers, now that’s a first… I wish we could do that here in the good old US of A, anyway how can I help, Paula? He said.
“You released a statement the other day suggesting that women can avoid pregnancy by using a mental process, I’m especially interested in women who have been raped”, she asked.
“Oh that statement, it did cause a bit of a storm, but you see Paula, a woman who has been raped, legally that is, not someone pretending to be raped, only has to pray and she won’t conceive, can you follow that Paula, he said.
“And you have proof of that do you”, asked Paula.
“Yes, it’s in the bible and the largest ‘Right to life’ movement here in the good old US of A agrees, so it must be correct”, said Todd sounding most confident and assured.
“Well, thanks for your time Todd, maybe we can meet next time I visit the US”, Paula said sweetly.
“How old are you Paula”, he asked
“Why”, asked Paula
“Never mind”, he said.

The phone call ended and the SIS guy recording it handed a copy of the transcript to our wonderful eavesdropper. But it was what happened next that stunned our eavesdropper into action.

Charter School & ACC boss Paula Rebstock

Paula Bennett called her team together Paula Rebstock from the ACC and a bunch of other clones as well as staff and eavesdropper happened to be among that number.

“Right team, We’ve tried beefing up the cost of drug testing beneficiaries, we’ve tried limiting beneficiaries from having children and I’ve released private details about beneficiaries protesting cut backs to distract public attention from asset sales and unemployment and poverty, but this next plan will really set the cat amongst the pigeons”, she said non-stop through over excitement and eagerness that just overflowed into the conference room on the fifth floor.

“Right, here is the plan…first we get the Charter Schools up and running, right Paula Rebstock”, said Paula B.
“Sure thing”, said Paula R nodding her great expanse of grey hair.
“Right, that’s settled…then we start a charter school for all women who are likely to be put in a situation of likely sexual rape”, said Paula B.
“But interrupted a serious looking young woman”…
“But what”, said Paula B.
“Isn’t all rape sexual”, asked the brave questioner.
“Yes, yes but the thing is, once the schools are up and running, we introduce a new restriction on benefit payments to solo mums, unless they’ve attended a pregnancy control programme”, Paula B pointed out to her stunned audience.

Eavesdropper at that point, was so shocked, that she dropped her pen, picked it up and took off for the ladies room. By the time she got back the meeting had ended. Paula B and Paula R were hugging each other and John Key had joined the meeting and said to Paula Bennett, “Well done, I knew I could rely on you, I’m really glad I promoted you to number six”,

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