Saturday, 22 February 2014

Colin Craig meets Eavesdropper

Our GCSB eavesdropper is now back in the country and has completed his secret training in regard to spying on those who would seek fame by entering parliament. 

First on his hit list was Colin Craig ring-master and leader of the Conservative Party. Last Saturday all the buttons were pushed and the microphones and cameras deeply embedded in strange places in the Craig mansion burst into life. Below is what was recorded on that first Saturday morning. I’ve edited out the swear words and unbecoming language.  

“Darling”, called Colin Craig’s wife.

“Yes dear”, replied Colin.

“Have you found a suitable movie for the children yet?” She asked.

“Not really, they all contain violence, or sexual overtones, or anti-religious elements, or far too much leftwing propergander”, Colin answered very seriously.

“Perhaps we could just let the children decide after all they are at university now dear”, his wife suggested.

“Yes I know but they still need protecting, the world is such a dangerous place these days, what with the Greens and the Labour Party preaching all that anti-Christian stuff, the Auckland Mayor and all his hanky panky and while the children are nineteen and twenty they’ve still to prove themselves trustworthy in the outside world,” Colin said using his sternest tone.

“Darling I hate to say this, I know how much you hate being contradicted, but the children are twenty and twenty-one, some where you’ve lost a year, but I know I’m right because I’m the one who had them”, she replied sounding just a little bit upset.

“Really…gosh time just flies by when you are parenting these days”, but all this discussion about sex and movies really is depressing”, Colin muttered.

“Maybe if you looked in the hall cupboard you could find a video that would be suitable for the kids”, she suggested.

“Maybe but on the other hand I may find a homosexual male hiding in the closet”…he said.

“Oh come on Colin, homosexuals don’t live in closets, that's simply the sort of thing said by homophobic ignorant real old folk. Anyone who says that now days is really out of touch, as the children would say, ‘Not with it’… said his wife.

“Are you suggesting I’m out of touch, that I’m homophobic, anti gay, because if you are then I’m afraid but you will have to go on my ‘to be sued list’ like that nasty Russel Norman.

Darling you’ve already threatened to sue me ten or twenty times over the last twenty years and each time you’ve caved in when the going got tough”, she said sounding very aggressive.

“You wouldn’t dare, you know that if old money bags Key jacks me up a seat, I’ll be in Parliament and maybe he will make me Minister of Education, after all I couldn’t do any worse than that woman, what’s her name”, he yelled.

“Hekia Parata”, I know you hate any woman who work outside of the home and especially outside the kitchen, but Colin darling women today do all sorts of things that they never did in the bible, they are Doctors, Lawyers, even truck drivers, plumbers and even business directors”, I’m so proud of woman who make the grade”, sang Colin Craig’s wife.

“I don’t care”, cried Colin as he stamped his feet and had a tantrum, I’ll still sue you”, after all you are only a woman and women are chattels and need to be kept in line”, he screamed.

Colin heard the plate smash against the kitchen sink and knew that he had gone too far…

“I’m going to the media”, his wife for now screamed, “I’ll reveal all, about our sex life, and the games we play”…

“You wouldn’t dare, he shouted back.

All the shouting had disrupted the so-called children’s swatting and they both appeared in the kitchen of the Craig mansion and told their parents and particularly their Dad, ‘To shut the F up’ because they had better things to do than to listen to the same old weekly argument.

So the bug that had been installed by the GCSB under the new laws picked up this whole discussion hence it became available to my eavesdropper who is deeply embedded in the PM’s security team and naturally I passed it quickly on to you.

Eavesdropper has the task of bugging heaps of people this year, Russel Norman, Hone Harawia, David Cunliffe, Bill English, Winston Peters and of course anyone else the PM or the CIA wants bugged.

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