Wheelers Corner Eavesdropper SIS / GCSB inside agent once again accompanied John Key on yet another holiday trip to Hawaii [his sixth or seventh in the last three years]. Only this time our man was asked to act above and beyond his normal duties of protecting the PM from any terrorist assassination attempt. He was forced to protect the PM from himself. A task he has now grown used to. This is his latest report:
The PM invited Obama to a round of golf, and I was to act as his caddy. According to the PM this was to be a photo opportunity of a life-time, it was in his words even more important than having a scone with the Queen.
The Presidents security crew already knew this was going to happen because they had been listening in to the PM’s cell phone traffic via our own GCSB.
On the golf course a strange thing happened, that won’t appear in any of the main stream media especially Fox News Media, APN or Fairfax etc.
‘I was walking just ahead of the PM, to protect him from terrorists, and as we moved toward President Obama and his half dozen security guards, Obama suddenly advanced toward me and said, “Good to meet you again, you are looking fit, are you enjoying your vacation here in my beautiful Hawaii”.
I was dumb founded, but managed to utter, “I’m not the PM Mr. President, and he is the chap behind me, the one in the baggy shorts”.
“Oh really”, said Obama, “You look very much like the chap I met in South Africa at the service for Nelson Mandela, are you sure we haven’t met”.
I never got a chance to answer the President because the PM came running toward the President with such gusto that the half dozen security men all dropped to their knees and drew their automatic weapons.
The President kept his cool and stepped forward to greet the little chap wearing the baggy shorts that no self respecting terrorist would be seen dead wearing.
“Nice to see you again Michael said the President”…
Now that stopped the PM dead in his tracks, for he was about to give the President a massive hug, one of the security guys, a six foot six black American stepped forward and frisked the PM, smiling to himself when he saw the whiteness of the PM’s knees.
“I’m not Michael”…stuttered the PM an octave or two higher than normal.
“I’m sorry Bill”, said the President, “but I meet so many people in my travels around the world, and I thought I met you in South Africa at wonderful President Nelson Mandela funeral Service”, but I must admit I’ve never met anyone wearing shorts like yours, so what’s your name”, he said smiling.
The PM was dumb struck, he had completely forgotten who he was…even where he was…he just stood there with his mouth open, arms at his side and for a moment I thought he might pee his pants. So I took over to protect my leader and said, “Let me introduce the New Zealand Prime Minister… John Key Mr. President”.
“Thank you, I knew his name had four letters, I just couldn’t remember which four, thank you for clearing up that small mystery”, he then turned to the PM and said “I remember now, you’re the wee chap that lost his name tag at the funeral in that massive stadium in South Africa”, he said as he patted the PM on his head, you see the PM was knelling down as would a loyal servant to HRH the Queen of England, I think he was imagining that he was back in Buckingham Palace having lunch with…she who rules,
“For heavens sake stand up John or whatever your name is, I’m sure you would not have been this humble when you protested against the South African Grid-iron tour back in 1981, Kiwi’s were a brave lot back then, I’m sure you must have been among those brave chaps”, said the President as he helped Key to his feet.
The PM was lost for words for all of about ten seconds then suddenly he puffed out his chest, pulled up his shorts and said, “Yes I remember now, how I battled the Red-Squad in Hamilton, Oh those were the days, a hero on every Street corner standing up against apartheid, and I was leading the charge you know”.
There was just no stopping him, his love of Mandela, all black people, even Martin Luther-King. He was finally brought to a halt when the President interrupted his rant saying:
“For Gods sake shut up and tell me what your handicap is”.
“Handicap, I don’t have any handicap; I’m perfect in every way, well so I’m told by all my cabinet and back benchers”, he said proudly.
“You mean your golf handicap is God damn zero”, said the President as he turned to the senior FBI agent and whispered, “You never told me that he had a zero handicap, you know I never play against anyone I can’t beat”.
Any way at last the game got under way and I carried out my caddy duties as best I could, the President went round the course in one hundred and one strokes, the PM took two hundred and eleven, but the President knew the chap in the shorts lost on purpose and didn’t accept his offer of a cup of tea at the Key mansion.
You see the President remembered the secret report from the five eyes spy team that told him that having a cup of tea with the NZ PM was dangerous to ones political health.
PS; The PM hopes to have completed his application for US Citizenship before departing for NZ, he wants approval before mid 2014, he requested that I keep that bit of news secret and naturally I agreed…yeah right.
Signed: Agent X [Name with held for security and health reasons]
The Editor of the Manawatu Standard wrote this on Saturday the 4th of January 2014:
‘Prime Minister John Key got to play a round of golf with US President Barack Obama in Hawaii yesterday. Whatever your political outlook is, that’s a pretty cool story for any Kiwi to tell their grandkids’.
No wonder NZ is being overrun by spin experts rather that journalists with integrity when they produce such tripe…I’d prefer to tell my grandkids about real hero’s rather than jacked up photo opportunities, but still there is no accounting for bad taste I suppose.