Tuesday, 13 August 2013

An hour in the life of Nathan Guy.

“Hi Nathan have you got a minute”, asked John Key.

“Sure, for you boss I’ve got an hour”, said the Guy named Nathan.

“Oh, I don’t want an hour, I haven’t got time for an hour Nathan, and an hour with you is simply too long for what I’ve got to say, as you know Nathan baby I’m quick off the block, I flash in one direction then like a flash I reverse direction and charge forward at a rapid rate of knots…into the unknown, especially unknown by the media and in particular that God Damned TV 3 big head John Campbell, now there is a rat-bag if ever- there- was- one”, said John [Motor-mouth] key all in one breath.

“You flash! You are a flasher”, said Nathan absolutely shocked, he knew Key was a little bit strange, but a flasher, is that why he spends so much time in Hawaii, I wonder if he has flashed in front of Hekia Parata, Paula Bennett or Judith Collins he thought to himself, maybe even Louise Upston, she was not called the chief whip for nothing.

“What’s that Nathan, speak up and speed up, you’re so slow, and is it true that you suffered a serious head injury during your rugby playing days? Key asked completely forgetting what ever it was that Nathan had said. He must remember to listen more, but listening is so boring, and most people who talk to me are idiots…not Steven Joyce, Obama, and my wife…they are OK because they always agree with me.

“At least I’m not a flasher”, said Nathan thinking how low in the food chain flashers were, absolutely disgusting, flashing their thing-a-bob, yuck. A millionaire flasher…gee whiz…another NZ first for Key and Merrill Lynch@rich.com.

“Now Nathan what’s all this I hear about you limiting the Snapper catch from nine to three for recreational fishers, that’s a bit mean isn’t it? John Key asked, hoping for quick agreement.

“Don’t you remember Mr. PM what you asked me to do”, said Nathan.

“I asked you to do something, why the hell would I do that, are you sure you’ve never had a head injury playing rugby, you were in the front-row were you not”, said the flasher better known these days as the Prime Minister.

You said I was to create a diversion for when the heat went on the GCSB stuff up, well we had the Fonterra cock up, and you told me that you’d try the old ‘change the flag’ thing first and if that failed then the snapper catch was to be used…and as far as I know, your flag crap was washed down the drain. I followed your orders word for word”. Said Nathan Guy Minister in the Key Cabinet who had developed a powerful feeling that he was about to be asked to fall on his sword. And that’s really messy, all that blood…yuck it’s like playing for the All-Blacks…against South Africa.

“Right Nathan, I know you’ve done your very best, but I need a spot in the cabinet for a deal I did, you know a willing buyer, a willing seller…”, muttered John Key.

“You’re not going to have ‘Shampoo’ Dunne back in the cabinet…no way…he’s an eel, slippery beyond belief…shouted a Nathan named Guy, while stamping his feet. I mean really John at least I don’t make heaps of calls to… what’s her name, Andrea Vance and spend half my time leaking secrets to the media and Steven Joyce’s radio stations. So why me I’ve been loyal, kept my boots clean, I’ve even learned a bit about computers and Fonterra why me John?

John handed Nathan a tissue to wipe the tears from his cheeks, and then he said, “This is bigger than just you Nathan, its for Queen and country, Obama and freedom, for Fonterra, Hollywood, Sir Peter Jackson, for 100% clean and green, the GCSB, Sky City Casino, Ian Fletcher and his many relations but mostly its for me, the worlds most important leader. Resigning is the right thing to do”, said flasher Key as he adjusted his tie.

There was total silence you could have heard a ten dollar note land on the carpet, Key was awaiting Nathan’s capitulation, his meek acceptance of his forced resignation, his demotion and move to the back bench. The silent assassin had struck again, removed an impediment to his insatiable ambition…A victory for Merrill Lynch style management, for power over honesty, hate over love. God bless America he muttered.

The silence was broken by a clearly pronounced word, a word so powerful that it could bring down a government, and put the elected national party representative of Otaki on the front pages of the nations main stream media…The word was NO.

Nathan Guy suddenly felt human again, the word NO echoed around the room, Key called for his security GCSB guard to bring him a class of gin and tonic. But Nathan gained new invigorating energy and said…I resign and since I am an elected member I will remain in Parliament and if Hone Harawira will have me I’ll join the Mana Movement, because I now know that his opinion about you John was and is correct…
Go and flash on your own…and I hope that one day you’ll get caught with your pants down by TV 3’s John Campbell show…    

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